And so there I sat, so consumed in my flaws that I felt stuck to the ground. It was as if my feletvwere cement blocks and my body was a fragile petal being beckoned by the wind, but held back. Doubt and Fear were written on the cinder blocks, but I have longed for freedom far too long now to bid goodbye at the chance to fly. I have woken up every day to the promises of hope and faith. I have cried myself to sleep many a time wishing for a new day to start again. The struggle in that routine was all that I knew.
"You are loved. You are cherished. You are one of His children."
I tried to make myself believe, to hold onto those things. To not let anyone take that beautiful truth away from me, or stain it with their words or actions towards me. It wasn't enough, I'm afraid, no matter how hard I fought all I heard was:
"You are petty. You are negative. You will never belong."
And I gave in. And I believed. And I cried.
And when I was through with my sadness I gave in to strife. And I let it consume me. I allowed my anger a place in my heart and I offered it to reign, believing that it would take the hurt away. But you know what they say, "being angry is like taking poison wishing the other person would die." I was the only one angry; they couldn't care (or wouldn't care).
It hurts knowing you are forgiven by God above but despised by man below. No matter how I tried to right my wrongs, it wasn't enough and the rejection led me to backslide into my own ways and suffer through double the guilt. Why I chose to keep fighting a losing battle is beyond me.
I know that God understands what I'm going through, and He will not allow me to overcome by any means other than His Truth and Strength. And all these days I allow my heart to grow bitter is one day more that I'm distancing myself from Him who will see me victorious.
Today I'm fed up with this life. With trying to please people who don't care about my feelings. For trying to live up to everyone's outrageous standards just to fit into some silly circle that doesn't amount to much in the end. That's because I'm part of the Kingdom of God. He's the only one I have to live for.
And He loves my life; He gave it to me. Although I feel like I've been stuck in this stormy season for far too long, my rainbow is right in front of me. All I have to do is forgive and move on. Countless days of sunshine will be mine if I only allow this baggage to separate and keep it as far from me as the east is from the west.
God allows people into your lives to stay or to teach you something. My lesson has been learned. I know what it means now to be a friend: self-sacrifing, understanding, sharing in joys and in grief. I also understand what it means to be betrayed, to be lied to, and to be tricked into believing someone is loyal when they are truly deceitful.
To you, I apologize. It hurts me to know that I have to be shut out, but I respect your feelings and will leave you to them. My memory of you will not be tainted with the guilt and envy you once made me feel, but of happier times when we were accepting and kind to one another.
I have my fair share of mistakes and I am not arguing that I am not completely flawed. I will, however, take my lot. I know that I would much rather deal with letting go than some of the things that you are undeniably suffering. I find more and more blessings to be grateful for every day just by being and accepting myself.
Here's to the goodbyes that will offer me good fortune, because I will be victorious, God is on my side.
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